The Cap Chronicles, Part 14 - I’m An Awful Trader

I am agitated. I am angry and upset quickly. I am spontaneous in the worst way right now and behaving like an irrational junkie when I traded today…

I am also not taking a cap today. I woke up with a headache, very light one, similar to a hangover. I’m not sure if it was the 2 caps or the weird sleep schedule I did last night. Again I went to bed early, this time knowing I was going to miss my evening gratitude social meetup with friends. I then woke up and barely got some things done after checking to see if anyone was still in the Zoom chat.

“Is this an addictive personality? Is my brain craving the mushroom stack?” I’m not sure. I want the perspective shift. I want the slight changes in my personality away from poor decision making (maybe that’s not so slight) and away from being upset and certain things in life.

But still, a poor trade and a trade in something I knew about but haven’t really studied? Stupid and irrational. Even if I played a put vs a call for the ETF I like to follow that would have been better judgement. This ETF is an “Aquaintance.” Not even a one night stand.

I did not want to become a slave to this trade. I had even written out yesterday how I would procede after a small win. I even had more money in the account when I woke up. And I have proceeded to piss it away. It doesn’t make sense. I did not act calmly, I did not use best judgement. My performance is off today due to poor sleep and probably eating pasta at 2am.

I’m so angry right now, and to be fair to myself, someone made a mistake at the hotel where I’m staying and didn’t make sure the system wouldn’t try to charge my card. So I am now in defense mode from seeing a 5k+ charge declined. Terrifying when you have so very little and your hands are tied.

I’d like to get to a point where the lessons being learned are applied. I don’t want to depend on the mushroom stack only enhance myself with it. I still need to pick up some niacin to create a flush event while taking the stack. I like the stack and hope we become “more than friends.” Maybe I’m not doing enough of “the work” while on it.

This ETF is tormenting me as I write this. It’s spiking up while going down. At one point I could have got out with minimum damage. I need to stop trading real money for a while and just papertrade. I know this. The fantasy of fixing my life quicker and helping out my family is super strong though. Nearly a delusion if I didn’t realize it was happening.

I think I’m doing 3 caps/lemon tek tomorrow. If I find the niacin then I’ll take that too. And then 3 days off. I need to get back to a daily practice of daily gratitudes and meditations while on/off the stack. And research how others are using microdosing and ensuring there’s personal growth from it.

Honestly based on the world news and the CDC recommendations for traveling during Thanksgiving, this ETF should go up today. I sure as fuck am not staying in it till tomorrow and I’m definitely spending the whole afternoon watching it. I have other work to do. This is a mental and emotional drain I don’t need.

But a great lesson in the limitations of both the stack and my current state.